“I've never killed a man, but I've read many an obituary with a great deal of satisfaction.” ― Clarence Darrow
Has been quite a while since I've been on here...
After Scott, what really sickened me was how much everything reminded me of how much I'd lost. I didn't even care that he was gone, that kid was easily the worst thing that corrupted my life. I missed most the love and care I'd put into things, my happiness, having someone to care for and care about me. For a while I was thoroughly convinced that I didn't need people to survive. But after that ordeal I'd been shown that I am indeed a social creature, and anyone who makes me feel the way he did deserves to be the loneliest of people. I haven't spoken to him or of him in at least 3 months, which I'd say is quite a feat for me. I used to be going days without sleep wishing he'd come back. But people come and people go, and he is gone now, so I once again get to be myself.
I've found that a lot of times, I don't let myself be.... myself. I put a quote on here a little while back, something along the lines of: "I am a stage on which many plays take place", and for the most part that is true. I'll shape and fashion myself into an image I think other want to see, with little dashes of personality here and there. Certain people have taught me that I can't be doing that. Not now, not ever.
I think what makes me the most angry is that I let something so vile control me for as long as it did. I almost resent love for making me so blind. Forever the victim of the one sided affair...
On a totally different note, its cold. And it REALLY sucks. Whats worse: it gets worse. The cold I mean. Visiting Canada in a few weeks. California cold weather ----> Canada cold weather. If I don't make it back, let it be known that I am no longer classified as human, but a meat popsicle.